No one ever gets married to end up separated or divorced, but sometimes that is the end result. This month, I’d like to share a little bit of what brought me to divorce and what I learned from it…
From the beginning, the marriage struggled with various forms of dysfunctions from addictions to betrayal, along with every form of abuse. There was a lack of communication, which then led to disconnection, leaving little intimacy or trust in the relationship. When we were good, we were good, but when we were at odds, all the old dysfunctional patterns surfaced between us once again. Eventually, the marriage completely died.
We did go to Counseling, read books on how to restore the marriage, and even prayed together, but we couldn’t hear one another. We were too wounded Souls trying to make sense out of a life that was hard enough without all the drama we put each other through. It only caused the marriage to continue suffering greatly and our relationship became very superficial. We couldn’t communicate, because we didn’t feel safe being ourselves with one another, and our lives became like two ships passing in the night for months at a time.
Boundaries were crossed, trust was broken, and pride reigned too heavily between us. We ended up going into our separate corners doing life without each other. We then began self-protecting to be safe and totally detached only causing us to become more and more numb inside. In the latter part of our marriage, we separated again.
During all of this, I was also caring for my mother, who had just entered the beginning stages of Dementia and Alzheimer both at the same time. I was trying to combat the disease by changing her whole life regimen from her eating, to working with her doctors to retain her memory, to ensuring that she was not alone for long periods of time. Deep inside of me, I knew that change needed to happen and not only just for myself either.
The marriage had become so toxic that it infected our whole family. In our last separation, I left the home, and it got really ugly between us after that. From that point on, I went into Survival Mode and did what I had to do to keep myself sane. Sadly, I had gotten to the place where I literally wanted to die, as I was so depleted emotionally and physically, enduring endless nights of not being able to sleep.
I began Spiritual Counseling and stayed connected to my Support Groups and friends. I then began to pour myself into my studies, serving in Ministry, writing, and my Life Coaching, along with still caring for my mother. I was thrown into having to mourn the loss of my marriage to the man I thought I would grow old with, “Till we died dead…” (that was our saying). Yes, there are times when God calls for a separation or divorce, but He can redeem anything, if we let Him. I stood on this Scripture to get me through and it is truly unfolding in my life today…
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV): For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
If you are walking through a separation or divorce right now, I encourage you to seek Counsel right away. If you have children, it is vital that you get them help also. If reconciliation isn’t in the cards for you, work on dealing with your feelings, listening to His leading, find a Community of safe people to help you, and as always…
Take Care of You,
Coach Sandra 💞
